Through our infertility struggles I have always tried to stay optimistic. Optimistic that the next cycle would work. Optimistic that the next treatment would work. Optimistic that the next pregnancy would last. Optimistic that things would work out in the end. As bad news and disappointment continually poured in I made a point to not allow myself to ask "why me" or to feel sorry for myself. I recognize how blessed our lives are in nearly every other way- a great marriage, supportive family and friends, stable jobs, health- the list goes on.
In spite of all the good in our lives, there is no denying that infertility has brought us a tremendous amount of grief. Sure there is the obvious disappointment of a failed cycle or the numbing pain of seeing a lifeless ultrasound but there are also the less tangible impacts of infertility. Putting jobs, vacations and your whole life on hold. Withdrawing from family and friends. The jealousy and guilt of not being able to fully share the joy of others' good news and happiness.
Still, even infertility itself has a silver lining. Reflecting back on the past few years there are a number of things I have gained from this experience. We have a stronger marriage because we have been forced to communicate more and have grown closer through our shared grief. I am a better husband because I am more in tune to Laura's feelings and needs. Delayed parenthood has created space in my life for experiences and accomplishments that may not have otherwise happened. We have taken trips. I ran a marathon. I recently began volunteering in my community. We have learned a lot from watching our friends and family parent which will in turn make us better parents. And most importantly it has opened our hearts to the possibility of adoption.
As with infertility, talk of adoption often focuses on the negative. Adoption comes with many unknowns. Some of these unknowns- the baby's health, the potential costs- are also concerns in a traditional pregnancy, though they rarely are the focus of conversation with expectant parents. Adoption does come with some unique concerns but it also comes with some wonderfully unique benefits. There is an excitement to not knowing what to expect and I'm sure there is an indescribable thrill to finding out you have been matched with a birthmother and will soon (perhaps VERY soon) become parents. There is something truly amazing about the relationship between parents and their biological children but there is also something truly amazing about the relationship between parents, their adopted children and potentially even the child's birthparent(s). The ability to raise a child with whom you have no biological connection is an altruistic and pure expression of love. Our fertility specialist, who has a biological child and a child through adoption, expressed how wonderful it is to love an adopted child and allow them to become the person they are, rather than a reflection of ourselves and the person we always wanted them to be.
I know we, like many couples dealing with infertility, have been challenging to know how to deal with over the past few years. Sometimes we have wanted encouragement. Sometimes we have wanted others to acknowledge the pain and share our grief. Sometimes we have wanted to hear from our friends and family and other times we have wanted to be left alone. Most of the time we haven't really known what we want. Adoption is probably foreign and might be a little uncomfortable for some people but finding the right thing to say to us or any couple hoping to adopt should be much easier than communicating about infertility. Everyone will have questions (as do we) and we are happy to answer them. But mostly what we have and will continue to appreciate the most is for everyone to focus on the positive- tell us you are happy for us and share in our joy. In short, treat us just as you would any couple who is expecting a baby- because that is exactly what we will be!
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