Focusing on the Positive by Jeff

Through our infertility struggles I have always tried to stay optimistic.  Optimistic that the next cycle would work.  Optimistic that the next treatment would work.  Optimistic that the next pregnancy would last.  Optimistic that things would work out in the end.  As bad news and disappointment continually poured in I made a point to not allow myself to ask "why me" or to feel sorry for myself.  I recognize how blessed our lives are in nearly every other way- a great marriage, supportive family and friends, stable jobs, health- the list goes on.  

In spite of all the good in our lives, there is no denying that infertility has brought us a tremendous amount of grief.  Sure there is the obvious disappointment of a failed cycle or the numbing pain of seeing a lifeless ultrasound but there are also the less tangible impacts of infertility.  Putting jobs, vacations and your whole life on hold.  Withdrawing from family and friends.  The jealousy and guilt of not being able to fully share the joy of others' good news and happiness.  

Still, even infertility itself has a silver lining.  Reflecting back on the past few years there are a number of things I have gained from this experience.  We have a stronger marriage because we have been forced to communicate more and have grown closer through our shared grief.  I am a better husband because I am more in tune to Laura's feelings and needs.  Delayed parenthood has created space in my life for experiences and accomplishments that may not have otherwise happened.  We have taken trips.  I ran a marathon.  I recently began volunteering in my community.  We have learned a lot from watching our friends and family parent which will in turn make us better parents.  And most importantly it has opened our hearts to the possibility of adoption.

As with infertility, talk of adoption often focuses on the negative.  Adoption comes with many unknowns.  Some of these unknowns- the baby's health, the potential costs- are also concerns in a traditional pregnancy, though they rarely are the focus of conversation with expectant parents.  Adoption does come with some unique concerns but it also comes with some wonderfully unique benefits.  There is an excitement to not knowing what to expect and I'm sure there is an indescribable thrill to finding out you have been matched with a birthmother and will soon (perhaps VERY soon) become parents.  There is something truly amazing about the relationship between parents and their biological children but there is also something truly amazing about the relationship between parents, their adopted children and potentially even the child's birthparent(s).  The ability to raise a child with whom you have no biological connection is an altruistic and pure expression of love.  Our fertility specialist, who has a biological child and a child through adoption, expressed how wonderful it is to love an adopted child and allow them to become the person they are, rather than a reflection of ourselves and the person we always wanted them to be.


I know we, like many couples dealing with infertility, have been challenging to know how to deal with over the past few years.  Sometimes we have wanted encouragement.  Sometimes we have wanted others to acknowledge the pain and share our grief.  Sometimes we have wanted to hear from our friends and family and other times we have wanted to be left alone.  Most of the time we haven't really known what we want.  Adoption is probably foreign and might be a little uncomfortable for some people but finding the right thing to say to us or any couple hoping to adopt should be much easier than communicating about infertility.  Everyone will have questions (as do we) and we are happy to answer them.  But mostly what we have and will continue to appreciate the most is for everyone to focus on the positive- tell us you are happy for us and share in our joy.  In short, treat us just as you would any couple who is expecting a baby- because that is exactly what we will be! 

Arriving at Adoption

In addition to reading Adoption is a Family Affair, we've been reading Adopting After Infertility, also by Patricia Irwin Johnston. In the first few chapters of the book, Johnston presents the reader and their partner with a self reflection activity to promote discussion about how to "conquer the infertility dragon." To begin, she outlines "six losses perceived to be a consequence of permanent infertility." They are:

1. Loss of control over many aspects of life. This refers to giving up control of your sexual privacy, planning vacations and events around your fertility treatments, deciding whether it's the right time to accept a new job, what car to purchase, whether to buy a house with a yard or a condo in the city. The list goes on and on. Most people don't realize how infertility affects ALL aspects of your life.
2. Loss of genetic continuity.  This speaks for itself. For someone who was raised in a "blood is thicker than water" culture, this is an extremely significant loss.
3. Loss of a joint conception with your life partner. You may not realize how many times you think, "I hope my child gets my partner's athletic ability or sense of humor." or "I can't wait to see if my child will be good at math like me, or if he or she will be a history buff like my spouse." It's difficult to realize those dreams of creating a life with your husband or wife will not come true.
4. The physical satisfactions of pregnancy and birth.  To impregnate your wife or carry a child represents the ultimate expression of maleness and femaleness. You've grown up expecting your body to allow you to do this, and losing this ability can cause you to question your self worth.
5. The emotional gratifications of pregnancy and birth. Think for a minute about what it means to potentially not be present at the birth of your child....to not hear the sound of their first cry, or experience those overwhelming emotions of seeing your child come into the world.
6. The opportunity to parent. From a very young age most of us fantasize about being a parent. As little children we play house and push babies in strollers. As teenagers we argue with our parents about curfews and rules and make sure we tell them what we will and will not do when we have kids of our own! For many people parenting is a natural part of being an adult. Personally, it never once entered my mind that I would not be a parent.

After describing each of these potential losses, Johnston encourages the reader and their partner to rank these losses, from most significant to least significant, independently of one another and then to share their individual lists. Here were our results:

Laura:
1. Opportunity to parent
2. Joint conception with life partner
3. Loss of control
4. Physical satisfactions of pregnancy and birth
5. Emotional satisfactions of pregnancy and birth
6. Genetic continuity

Jeff:
1. Opportunity to parent
2. Joint conception with life partner
3. Loss of control
4. Genetic continuity
5. Physical satisfactions of pregnancy and birth
6. Emotional satisfactions of pregnancy and birth

Sharing and discussing the results is meant to help couples identify the next step in their infertility journey. Johnston gives these four possible choices for the next step:

1. Continuing treatment to the point of having tried every possible option
2. Using donor egg or sperm to allow one of you to maintain a genetic connection
3. Adopting
4. Embracing a child free lifestyle

For example, if the wife chose "physical satisfactions of pregnancy and birth" as her number one potential loss, but her husband chose "genetic continuity," trying another round of treatment using a donor egg and the husband's sperm might be their next step. Or if "genetic continuity" was most important to both partners and they had exhausted all of their treatment options, they may decide to embrace a child free lifestyle.

Jeff and I are extremely lucky that our lists are very similar and that we're on the same page about what's most important to us. Many couples are not and have difficulty agreeing on the next step. For us, parenting is our number one goal and continuing fertility treatments feels emotionally and physically exhausting. Not to mention the fact that we don't want to use all of our financial resources on fertility treatments because that wouldn't be the end of the journey for us. More fertility treatments may or may not make us parents. Adoption definitely will. We had already been discussing adoption before we did this activity, but it just reaffirmed for us that we are making the right decision!

Recommended Reading

As I mentioned in my last post, Jeff and I have been doings lots of reading. One adoption blog we stumbled upon recommended the book "Adoption Is A Family Affair" by Patricia Irwin Johnston. The blogger and her husband read the book before purchasing copies for their immediate family members, so Jeff and I decided to do the same. It's a short, easy read that focuses on educating family and friends of adopting couples about how adoption works. It also points out many of the myths and stereotypes surrounding adoption, most of which exist due of lack of knowledge about it. We purchased copies for our siblings and parents to read, but would love it if you decided to read it to! It costs about $10 on Amazon.com.

One thing I want to point out about the book--one or two of the reviews claimed that the author seemed insulting. We didn't think so, but she does assume that most people reading this book know little about adoption and therefore may have some negative preconceived notions and a few reservations about it. In the back of the book, the author publishes some pretty offensive comments that adopting couples have reported hearing. We know you'd never say things like, "If God intended you to have children, you'd be pregnant by now." or "Too bad you had to adopt. Your kids would have been real cute." Can you believe that people actually say those things to adopting couples!? Our families and friends have been nothing but supportive so far, so please know that we are not asking you to read this book because you have offended us. We just get asked a lot of questions about how adoption works and this seems like the best place to start. :)

One more thing...the "maybe you'll get pregnant after you adopt" comment does not offend us. We're unique in that we have gotten pregnant on our own before, and we have no clear reason for our pregnancy losses. We aren't planning to try to get pregnant on our own, but it could happen because it's happened before. However, we're not holding out hope for that, and you shouldn't either. We're really excited about adoption and we want you to share our joy as we build our family!

An Update and An Announcement

It's been a while since we've blogged, but it's had a rough few months around our house. Here's a timeline that will quickly catch you up to speed.

April: I started a new cycle on Easter weekend and our doctor gave us the "thumbs-up" to begin hormones in preparation for a frozen embryo transfer (FET). I took oral estrogen for 3 weeks, went in to have an ultrasound and schedule our FET and the ultrasound showed that my uterine lining was not thick enough. Our doctors wanted things to look perfect before transferring, so our FET was cancelled and were told to wait a month before trying again.

May: I started hormone injections since I did not respond well to the oral estrogen. My uterine lining looked perfect this time so we transfered our 2 remaining frozen embryos on May 21. A week later we found out we were pregnant again.

June-August: Weekly blood work showed that my HCG was doubling normally over the following three weeks, but I began to have some spotting, which turned into heavy bleeding. Diagnosis: Subchorionic Hemorrhage- a pocket of blood in the uterus. Dr. D told me it would not impact the pregnancy, but it was scary nonetheless.  Our 6 1/2 week ultrasound on June 18 showed one embryo with a fetal pole measuring normally. They couldn't detect the heartbeat yet, but assumed it was still just too early to show up. A follow-up ultrasound 5 days later showed no heartbeat and no growth since the previous ultrasound. Our pregnancy was not viable. We were devastated. How could this be happening AGAIN!? We got a prescription for a medication that would help my body rid itself of the pregnancy, and then took off to the beach for the weekend to grieve and process our loss. It's now two months later and my miscarriage is still not over. I had to take the medication twice, as it did not work the first time, and continue to have spotting and weekly blood work to check my HCG until things are complete. I am feeling much better physically, but look forward to days where I don't have the constant reminder of our loss.

Jeff and I have had some time over the past few months to grieve, do some soul searching, and think about our next steps. We've signed up for an infertility support group that will start in September. We've also made the decision not to pursue any more fertility treatments at this time. Our doctor still does not have a cause for my repeated pregnancy losses and says another round of IVF could work for us, but we are physically and emotionally worn down. I've been on fertility medications and hormones for over a year now and the idea of another round of IVF feels scary, uncertain, worrisome, stressful, draining....the list goes on. Becoming parents is our number one goal right now, not pregnancy, so we're looking into adoption! Like fertility treatments, adoption is scary, but it holds so much more promise and hope for us. We are really excited! We're in the very early stages--still reading books and blogs and requesting information from various agencies. We're hoping to schedule some consultations over the next few weeks and find an agency that is a good fit for us. Looks like our IVF blog is becoming an adoption blog! Stay tuned! :)